September

Post from September 6, 2016 https://raise4rowyn.wixsite.com/blograiseforrowyn/single-post/2016/09/06/september

Written by Brynn Johnson

How did this dreaded month creep up on me? This is the month that I dread all year long and it’s officially here consuming me. In a few short days I will be getting Wyatt ready for school in the mornings just like I did that day of the accident. I am sure it will still be a morning wrestling match to get him dressed and out the door on time. I will never know what it would be like to get Rowyn ready for school. I can only imagine she would be excited and happy to get dressed in the morning. She would be starting at Little Seeds Preschool this year, just as her cousin Tyler is. We used to always imagine what the girls would be like in school together and growing up in the same grade playing sports. My heart hurts knowing Rowyn wont experience those moments. Can I make it through another month without her?...... yes……. Do I want to..... only sometimes. My heart is overflowing with feelings and emotions. How can at the same time it be so broken and empty as well as full of love and joy. I have grief consuming me every minute in constant reminder of what I am missing. In everything I do I am looking for Rowyn and wondering what she would think or how she would react.

 I am writing this as I am on an annual family camping trip. I look around and see who is surrounding me, my family, and I know that I am not alone in my grief. I have the perfect gift of Mynrow enjoying her many firsts on this trip. Of course she is a constant reminder of what I don’t have but SHE is what I do have, another perfect baby, a gift. She has brought more laughter, joy, humbleness, faith, and love back into our family. God has blessed us. I am learning and still struggling at times to be thankful for what I do have versus what I don’t.

Rowyn continues to show me all the other things that I have to be thankful for. Not only Mynrow but our whole family unit is so special. I am here surrounded by support, love and healing arms. How did I get so lucky to call them family? They have continued to support me and take care of me from day one. I am honored that I get to surround myself with such great people. That and my faith are the backbone of my healing.

On our trip Aunt Cindy pulled all the women, young and old aside for a group meeting. She shared with us how special family was to her and gave us each a notebook and asked if we would start writing a positive affirmation every day or what we loved most about the day. Something so quick and simple but really helps us focus on the positive in our day versus the negative. What we have versus what we don’t. It was God’s perfect timing where this little gesture resignated with me down deep. Yes, I will focus daily on what I loved most about the day; a hot cup of coffee outside on a crisp morning, children laughing and playing, a hug from my husband, a cocktail with my father in law, a hike with the FAMILY.

Sometimes we need a reminder, what we have to be thankful for, and I am happy to have one.