Finding a Blessing

Post from October 11, 2016 https://raise4rowyn.wixsite.com/blograiseforrowyn/single-post/2016/10/11/finding-a-blessing

Written by Brynn Johnson

After losing Rowyn I was in constant prayer,

about anything and everything. I needed God’s help in everything I did. I was afraid to drive down the road scared to death that I would run over someone’s child. I prayed to have the strength to just get out of bed to take care of my son and husband, I prayed constantly that nothing would kill or hurt another loved one because I was constantly waiting for the next devastation to happen. The devil was doing his dirty work and he was getting the best of me. I was filled with fear, anger, and depression. The devil had his hay day on my heart and teared my family to shreds. That ugly son of a bitch pissed me off! I continued to pray! I needed to beat that son of a bitch and I wasn’t going to let him destroy anything else in my life. This has been and will always be the

hardest battle I will face, there honestly is nothing worse than losing a child, holding your deceased baby in your arms, begging for her life…..nothing. I would beg God daily to be pregnant again. I knew no other way that could help slightly ease my broken

heart other than the joy of another baby. It’s what fulfilled me, brought me joy. My daughter was my best friend and everything. We tried to get pregnant for months and it wasn’t happening. I tried so hard to not be angry at god, but I was! How can he do this to me?? I knew it was in God’s timing, blah blah blah, but that’s the last thing I wanted to hear in my deep dark depression. I wanted a baby girl! My baby girl Rowyn. I know this sounds so angry but it was the bitter truth of how I was dealing with the loss of my child. I even started throwing temper tantrums during my prayers like a snotty little kid because I wasn’t getting my way.

The point I’m getting at by sharing how hurt and angry I was, is that god did answer my prayers. Five months later I was pregnant, filled with a glimmer of hope, I had something to look forward to, a precious baby to love. Not only was I pregnant but it was the blessing of another little girl. How could I be so blessed??!

My little girl Mynrow will be one-year- old in a few days. She is full of life, personality, humor, feistiness, just like her big sister Rowyn. She is my constant reminder that God has sent me another blessing. My heart is no longer filled with anger, but filled with love. It is no longer filled with constant fear because my daughter is the best distraction I could have ever received, I am no longer completely consumed with depression, there are still many hard days but the joy that Mynrow brings into our home and hearts over shines the darkness. God has blessed me. I thank him constantly for answering my specific prayer. Our home that was silent is again filled with laughter. I have watched my husband transform from his

darkness into a happy man once again. I watch how he looks at our daughter and see the light in his eyes. His wounds are still showing but he is better, much better. What blessings we have.