With one arm around my baby, one arm around my boys.
A heart that’s still pretty crazy, and a head that hates the noise.
If the world comes knocking, tell ‘em I’m not home.
Finally holdin’ my own.
Holdin’ My Own
It has been a long road searching and praying for peace within myself. Beginning with
the accident and the losses endured following it, I have struggled with feeling okay about
where I am at inside myself. I have changed and sometimes I feel like I completely
started over as a person. Perhaps the Reborn term rings very true. Everything is different
than it was before. And after my dad passed away, everything changed again.
The biggest demon I battle regularly is guilt of course. But the guilt quickly spreads to
every area of my life. It overwhelms me to a point that it literally makes me sick.
I have felt guilt over just about everything in my life in this past two years and 4 months.
Guilt over the obvious of course, but then guilt spreads. I have guilt with my mothering
skills, I should be reading with them more, why did I snap like that? Guilt at my wife
duties and the love and care I give to my husband, I should make his lunch more often.
Guilt with my mom and my brother, wishing I could be there more for them instead of
living four hours away. I feel guilt as an employee, for taking too much time off, or my
kids getting sick; skipping out on work because of a troubling anniversary, or just a
difficult time of year. I have had guilt with Raise for Rowyn and my inability to keep up
with their pace. Guilt over myself, that I did not make it to church one Sunday or I missed
a class because I was sick, when I really needed that faithful surrounding or that cardio. I
can’t make myself happy, because I’m so worried about making other people happy.
The guilt is robbing me and destroying my inner peace.
Does anyone else feel this way?
I set my intentions on inner peace in almost every class that I take these days. I am
desperate to find a good place where I can just be content. I want to live without feeling
as if I am letting someone down, or letting myself down for that matter. It is all inside my
own head and heart, and I am the only one who can fix the problem.
It begins and ends with me.
On Saturday, I was in a yoga class when the instructor said something that peaked my
interest. She said, “There is no strength needed for this pose, just release.”
Interesting thought, as I did let go and my body did what it was supposed to do, releasing
itself into the stretch. -- -- -- -- -- -- - I immediately thought of God. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -
Why do I burden myself with so much of this stuff? Why does my anxiety take over my
head and heart so often? There is no strength needed to walk forward in my future. I just
need to let go and release it to God.
This is faith isn’t it?