September 10, 2016


And just like that……. It’s September again.

It is a month where everyone gets so excited because the leaves are falling, the weather is

changing, pumpkin spice is everywhere and football and school are starting up. I admit, it

used to be my favorite time of year too.

I guess now it starts with my mood is different, I can feel it, and I have been feeling it for

a little while. I have an underlying pessimistic outlook on everything. Instead of seeing

and feeling the beauty in the changes around me, I feel a sense of doom deep inside. And

if for a second, I find myself feeling comfort in the crispy air or dampened grass, I have

immense shame. There is this phrase I found in a devotional that I wrote in my journal in

the first weeks following the accident. It is, “Because God is Graceful, I am Brave. It has

never left me.

On the radio this weekend, I heard a man telling a story of God’s Grace in his life and the

freedom he found in the Gospel. He explained how he was driving a boat with a jet skier

behind him several years prior, when the skier he was pulling signaled him to turn in

another direction. At full speed, he took the turn. There was no amount of time to stop

when he realized there was a person in the water. He did not go into detail, but it was

clear from what he did say that the person was left very impaired from the accident.

I felt my heart stop as I heard him tell his story. He was quick to describe much of the

same shame I carry with me on a daily basis. It is heavier on some days than others. It is

not often I can relate to someone so much. As quick as his story began and my heart

ripped open, he was off the radio and a song was playing. Perhaps one of my biggest

struggles is feeling misunderstood. He could understand, and I very much could

understand him.

Confronting the truth behind what happened will always be the hardest thing to accept.

The truth is my worst nightmare. My worst nightmare, that is actually my very own

reality. I cannot allow myself to face that truth everyday anymore. I did it for a long time,

but I have learned that if I want to have any sort of chance at moving-on from this I have

to separate my daily life from my worst nightmare. No matter how much good comes

from the work Rowyn is doing from up in Heaven, that hard fact remains. I still drove

over her with my car on September 16, 2014. I still struggled to save her for what felt like

an eternity. And I still see a grieving resilient gifted mother and father move on with their

life. You all see them too, but you will never see it from my lens. It is hard. Almost

harder as time goes on and there is not even words that can describe that piece.

I think about that man on the radio. He is so right. The Gospel is freeing, there is Grace,

and God is Good. How do I know this?

Because I am still here. Because two years has almost passed us, and although this is and

likely always will be, a lower point in my year, I have survived the worst points. This is

the part where I turn around and look at how far I have come. How could I not? This is

the time when I should feel pleased with that, but instead I don’t. Instead, I feel shame

about it. And that is normal my therapist says.

I will march on (as my mom and I say to one another)….to work, to daycare, to soccer, to

school. Only now, I have a two year old whose potty training instead of a baby on my

hip, and 6 year old who has his first day of Kindergarten this week. I have a lot to be

grateful for, and I refuse take it for granted. My husband has seen me at my worst, stuck

with me when I did not feel an ounce of love for myself. Times I cannot comprehend

even now. My children have seen a whole lot of tears from their mother, and really did

not have “me,” or my attention for quite some time. But they do now, and we are moving

in a good direction, making progress in our life. No longer sitting stagnant as my husband

called it.

I am still here, still going, very much still grieving, but present on most days.

Because God is Graceful, I am Brave.

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