The beginning of the end

July 1, 2016


On May 27th, we celebrated the last day of preschool for our boys followed by a graduation ceremony that meant the world to them. How in the world do I have a kindergartner? Where has the time gone? A small intimate ceremony took place at Little Seeds Preschool, and I couldn’t help but glance multiple times across the aisle to Wyatt's whole family. People I have become extremely familiar with over the last 21 months. This is where it all started. Our boys have had Mrs. Riggles as their teacher for the last two school years, and I think it is safe to say that she will always hold a spot in our hearts. The parents too, many of them shared morning drop-offs and afternoon pick-ups with us day in and day out during the hardest part of our journey. It was a milestone for our boys, but a milestone for us as well. I got to watch their family take turns holding beautiful baby Mynrow, and couldn’t help but picture Rowyn there. I imagine they all thought it at one point, as they likely do everyday. Yet reminded by looking on my own side of the aisle that someone else was clearly missing… dad. The proud Papa, who would have never missed this day for his little grandson. 

So much change in such a little time. How do we handle it, find our way, learn how to just be? It’s not easy to just be when so much around you seems foreign. I’ve been learning how to live, figure out who I am or even what I’m supposed to be doing since September 16, 2014. Trying this or trying that….anything that could potentially make me feel comfortable. Safe. Whole.

I have put on almost 30 pounds since the accident. The stress, chemicals released in my brain, the medication, lack of exercise, depression…. I can chalk it up to a number of things really. In any case, I decided I had to get off my medication. I had to try something else, because I could not continue to gradually expand.  

In case I ever forgot why I took the medication in the first place, It is very clear to me now. There are positives, I feel less swollen. My mom notices my voice is different, she says I sound like me. Like I did before everything happened. I have been told I look better, I look like me. Like I did before everything happened. And although I do feel some of that, and it excites me, I cannot sleep. My anxious mind will not slow down. I can have a conversation with my husband that never ends, the next thought just keeps coming. I worry almost worse than ever about everything I can’t control. I have visions flash before my eyes multiple times a day of running over a child with my car, with Brynn’s car, with my lawn mower. You name it, I can picture it. I close my eyes tight, and shake my head. It goes away. I hear a noise while driving, I can’t help it, my mind immediately goes there; who did I hit? Why am I going off this medication again? 

It’s a catch 22, as many things are. This being another small hurdle I will cross, while I transition onto a new med. How is this my life?

Change is hard, in every sense of the word. I’m involved in so much change it just about overwhelms me. I am trying to find my place in everything, more uncomfortable than ever before. God is leading me down a path, and I think I finally figured out where I am going.


To be continued…… 

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