My heart beating..my soul breathing..
I found my life..when I laid it down.-Hillsong United
Recovering this week…… I am incredibly blessed to have had my family here for Christmas and to have been able to spend so much time with them and my husband’s family. I spent Christmas eve morning bright and early visiting Rowyn. I wanted to get there at a time when nobody else would be there, and I wanted to be alone. As I pulled up to her, as usual she was not hidden amongst the stones. She was beaming bright and beautifully. Her Uncle Colt had put a good size Christmas tree next to her. Pulling down the little driveway up on her left, I could not contain myself. Emotions had overcome me in a way that they had not for a while. I sat in my car for several minutes crying my heart out like a little child. Explaining aloud to her how I would give anything to change this situation for all of us. I pictured her ripping open packages on Christmas and wearing a stylish Christmas dress, as she was always dressed to the nine by her momma. How long would her blonde hair be, would she be tall for her age? What would her voice sound like? The dagger to the wound is that I know fully that this is what her family is thinking about too, and not just today…everyday.
I finally got out of my car and left her some flowers. I wiped the rain from her face on her stone, told her I loved her and that I was sorry. I begged her to give her mom the dream of her that she has been yearning for so desperately. Then something came over me with a small voice saying maybe that would be too painful for her momma right now. Was it the Holy Spirit? I think so.
I had to stop by Brynn and Cody’s after this visit and I was struggling to keep it together there. I could not bring my emotion and grief to their home. They have enough of their own. I was the one getting to go home to my children, where they excitedly got to open some gifts on Christmas Eve. I got to help them set cookies out for Santa and video tape them waking up on Christmas morning. I do not take these priceless things for granted, but I can’t help but feel some guilt for getting them.
As the second Christmas wraps up without her here on Earth, and the New Year just a few days away, I can’t help but wonder what she has in store for us now.
Rowyn was seventeen months old when she passed away, and she continues to teach me about life, love and the Lord. I carry her with me in everything I do, whether she knows it or not.
In just ten days I will embark on another unknown journey. I am nervous and scared, but she has shown me that I can do just about anything now. I am leaving for Nashville, where I will spend seven days in a program dealing with my grief and trauma. This was a gift from Dr. Phil, and unfortunately, I will be doing it without Brynn. I will be on a ranch with about 45 other people, sharing my pain. I will check in my phone and my iPad when I arrive, completely disconnecting myself from the world for my time there. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I have to take it.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted after the holiday. I do not think there was a better time for God to present this to me. He’s always right on time.
I’ll carry Rowyn in my heart the whole trip of course, but ironically she will likely be carrying me.