Don't look back, you aren't going that way.

November 6, 2015

Psalm 119:50 My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

 

We are now entering into November. A year ago I would have been grieving back in the Tri-Cities, at my Grandma’s bedside while she battled her last few weeks of pancreatic cancer. It is hard to do anything anymore without reflecting on what we were doing just a year ago. As annoying as that can be, it is also a good way to see just how far that we have come. As time has moved us throughout this ordeal, some days you just feel good enough to remember the good ol’ days. The days before any of this ever happened.

 

It was a couple of weeks ago visiting Aarons grandparents for a harvest party, when I thought to myself on the way home how good I felt that day. I described it to Aaron as almost as if a switch flipped back on inside my brain. A piece of the missing me, came back to me. I cannot explain it, I will not even try, but I do know that a little piece of the “Cassie feeling” returned that day.

 

Most of you do not know, but along with our families, Brynn and I filmed another television show last week at her house. It was a long 6+ hours of filming. I guess pulling into their home is still not quite comfortable for me yet, even though I am there quite frequently now. Knowing the camera crew was there, and unsure what the interview would entail, I did know I would be there telling the story again and that was heavy on my mind. As I turned down their road, I began to flashback in a way I never had before. I was imagining what it must have felt like for Aaron as he drove as fast as he could from Woodinville that day to get to us. I tried to picture him in his little commuter car barreling down their road, and seeing all the bright lights up ahead. Already knowing what he would be encountering. I started to well up with tears, but I fought them off.

 

As we sat down together during the first part of the interview, I found some thoughts spewing out of my mouth that apparently were on my mind, but I had not fully processed them. I began talking about how much Mynrow means to me, but that I hate that one day she will learn that I am the one who drove over her big sister. As the words came out I couldn’t contain myself. I instantly was overly emotional thinking about these small children learning what really happened. It is a fear that I had no idea I had, and I fear it with my own two kids now too. I will someday have to sit them down and tell them, and hope that nobody has beat me to it.

 

Today, it dawned on me. I bet there are probably tons of people out there with something they do not want to have to tell their children, but they know that one day they will. Things they fear will change the way that they see them or feel about them. This is a part of my journey, and that piece is something more people will be able to identify with.

I turn to God in times of this, hoping that he can lift my fear away, and fill my heart and mind with positive thoughts. He does, if you just ask him.

 

As I went to the doctor yesterday for my annual check –up, which I missed in 2014, I was tearing up as I was explaining the new medications I now take. As I stepped on the scale

and saw the rising numbers my heart sank, as it is just another piece to this crappy situation.

But…….as I sat at dinner with my girlfriends last night, enjoying a cold beer and some laughs, I realized this. I may not be 130 pounds. I may take medication to keep me functioning. I may have fears of my future, and I may always have those flashbacks. But that little switch that came on two weeks ago, hasn’t turned off. It is here to stay I hope, and I have more energy and life in me than I have had in almost 14 months.

I am Cassie, and I am healing.

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