For I recon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
There is this feeling that is almost too impossible to describe. It is one that I never had ever felt before the accident. I think the best way for me to pin point it is the term lost. Like wandering around feeling like you should be somewhere, doing something, be someone, but you do not know what or who. Yah, I am supposed to be at work. Yah I have multiple chores that need done at home, and yes, I have two kids who are sure to keep me busy, dinners that need cooked and plenty of people to talk to if I need company. But this feeling also comes with the intense desire to sleep, an avoidance of things and people because I am just not interested. And if anything goes off schedule or changes, I just cannot handle it. I am 100% overwhelmed. Yes…. It is my depression.
I had a breakdown last week, and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I fled to Eastern Washington to be with my family, where other than the constant need to sleep, I felt pretty good. The feelings began to return on Sunday when I knew I was leaving the next day. I had poor sleep there for multiple reasons, and an off schedule possibly teething 20 month old, made my morning at my moms extremely difficult the day I left. Now here I am, waiting for my therapy appointment in a small café because I could not stop the flooding tears on my way to work this morning. I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a functioning person, but right now I cannot. I am very blessed because I have been doing so well for awhile. It took time, I fought for it, but I got there. To a place I was not sure I’d ever get.
Now, I’m set back again. Don’t try to understand, because it will never make sense to you if it does not make sense to me. I will get back to that place…. Faster than it took last time I’m sure. But until then, I’ll just be over here Lost.