Under the Cloud

August 4, 2015

It was this time last year that my husband was in a complete state of shock from the accident he witnessed at his work. I didn’t know if he would ever come back to me mentally, he was so out of it. He had quit his job, and I was struggling to find answers to understand what he was going through. Our daycare was closing, I had no clue what I was going to do with my kids, and I was worried. The grass was starting to turn yellow, summer had finally dried us all up. I was in the midst of planning my son’s 4th birthday party, which Rowyn and Wyatt were part of. Life was busy, chaotic, and at the same time, stressful.

I find myself in complete and utter shock that August is upon us a year later. Where have I been for the last 11 months? I remember the days I felt I lost my husband, when I spoke to a psychologist I work with about  what I could do to help him. Anything to understand just a little bit of what he is going through. I remember the day we found our nanny, meeting her in our home, and feeling like “This is going to be good. Things are going to be okay.” My husband getting called out to another job, this time not all the way in Seattle. Him ready to return to work and make the long awaited transition of working closer to home.

All of the things I was doing and feeling 11 months ago are finally coming back to me, like I am back in that spot, and nothing moved forward from then. It could almost be described as I forgot about it all. I mean, obviously, I did not. But here I am, feeling the feelings from those days and this one,  witnessing the same dried grass in yards all around me, and realizing I need to plan a 5th birthday party for my son. It’s almost unbearable.

How could anything seem stressful or worrisome before, nothing compared to this. We just finished a 3 weekend run of RFR events, and the entire team is beat down, exhausted and burnt out. For me, I was on such an RFR rush, that now I’m down, as in under the dark cloud. I felt it move in on Sunday night, I was trying my hardest to fight it. I read a book from the bible, did a bible study out of another book, and started diving into a book called The Healing Path, that I’d gotten at the rummage sale. All of which were very good, insightful and helpful. But not enough to keep the cloud of depression out. I made it to work on Monday, which was a really big accomplishment for me. I have been trying so hard to get my 25 hours a week in, and I’ve been succeeding. But this is one of those times when I just cannot. Yesterday, during my five hour shift I even had to use the wellness room at work to sleep. The cloud makes me unbelievably sleepy, lazy, and unable to function like a normal Cassie. As August progresses, and September approaches, unfortunately, I do not see this getting easier for me. Embarrassingly, in the pessimistic depressive state, I see it getting harder, sadder, and it makes me want to hide. When I say hide, I want to hide myself from myself. My own thoughts, my own feelings, my own face. That is what depression is like for me.

As the weeks ahead pile in, and August goes out as quick as it came in, I will reflect on this past year. I should probably send some photographs of my kids to be printed, since I have not printed any since Christmas. I should probably work on getting my 20 month old off of his bottle, since this has just not been important to me. I need to plan that birthday party and I should probably work on planning a family vacation since life is short and we deserve it. Most of all, I should probably wake up from the 11 month dream I feel like I have been living in. I’d like to say I’m going to move forward, but I know I already am even if I can’t feel it or remember it very much on days like today.    


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