As a mom

July 13, 2015

 

My morning at church started out with a lot of tears. My friend from church Danae has an adorable 6 year old daughter, named Peyton, who gave a little testimony in front of the church. She talked about being baptized recently when she was having a really hard time. She was emotional when she talked about having this hard time. She said afterwards she felt Jesus was with her, and that he helped her through those hard times. I’m not going to sugar coat it, I was crying hard. This tiny person just pointed out how I have made it this last 9 months. I noticed that Peyton was there with her dad and grandparents, but no Danae today. I felt sad for her missing it because I know as a mom she would have been so incredibly proud of her daughter. As I was wiping my tears at one point I turned around where Brynn was sitting and in the seat behind her was her mom. This all made me miss my own mom.

This afternoon, I was looking to make dinner for my family but realized I needed two easy ingredients so I ran down the the Rochester IGA. I have only been in this store probably 5 times total, but it’s a cute little small town grocery store. As I was paying I couldn’t help but notice the mother and daughter paying in front of me. The daughter was probably in her forties and the mother in her late sixties. I noticed them because it was taking an unusually long time, and I realized the mother was writing a check. I could see this look of slight annoyance from the daughter, but I didn’t mind I wasn’t in any kind of a hurry. I did probably stare too much though because this simple interaction at the grocery store made me miss my mom so much. Grocery shopping was always something we did together, and when I moved over to this side of the mountains she said it was something she missed the most, her grocery shopping partner.

 

Since the accident, it’s no secret that me and my life, as well as my family’s lives have all changed. We all live a little differently, see things a little differently, and our relationships in general have changed. It’s hard, and one of the realist parts of this journey we are on. I used to talk to my mom on the phone every single day for years, possibly even twice a day in some instances. These days, some stuff I keep inside, some stuff I spill out in these blog entries, and some stuff I just can’t share with her because I know she worries about me so much as it is. I have great friends who like to listen when something pops up, I get my platonic relationship fix quickly. Nothing is like your mom though.I called her when I left the grocery store, on speaker phone in the car of course, and left her a message letting her know.

I see those two ladies and not only think of my own relationship with my mom, but also of Brynn and Rowyn. That has been a really though thing to imagine as a daughter with a tight knit relationship with her mom, to see it be cut so short. Those ladies could have been Brynn and Rowyn had the accident not happened. Just out getting a couple of groceries together on a Sunday afternoon.  I shed many tears today grieving multiple things. My grief is centered around this accident but it’s affects on my life and relationships are a whole separate grief I’m dealing with lately. It’s like a new life I’m walking in, some people understand better than others, and some people can handle it while others cannot. I’m just trusting that with Jesus by my side and getting baptized this coming Sunday will help me walk by faith a little deeper. Because some days, like today, it’s just really damn hard.

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