My Straitjacket

July 8, 2015

Guilt. Will it ever leave me? I have guilt for so much in my life that it almost feels like I have more and more and more than ever before. Last week, my parents were in town for the night and they took my boys back to the Tri-Cities with them on Monday. They got some time with them 1:1 doing grandparent stuff like bowling and ice cream etc. They brought them to my brother and sister-in-laws Wednesday, and we arrived in town on Thursday evening. To say that I missed them…. Well of course I did. I missed hearing them because the house was incredibly quiet. Everywhere I went and everything I did made me feel like I was missing my arms. But I knew I would see them on Thursday. I didn’t have to dwell on how much I missed them, or how long it would be till I saw them because I knew when I would. I knew it was just a few days away. I couldn’t help but feel an obvious incredible amount of guilt. It’s how Brynn and Cody must feel all the time, and I will never fully understand. That yearning to see them, touch them, feel their hand on your shoulder, caress their heads and hear them laugh. Laying them down for bed at night, hearing them wake up in the morning, and watching them interact with toys, each other and people. What made me feel even more guilty is that as hard as it is to admit it and say it, I really needed the time away from them. I really needed some one on one time with just my husband, and at times just myself. Raising children is the hardest job of them all, and it’s really difficult to feel what you need to feel, think what you need think and sometimes even see what you need to see when you have two little people at your heels, watching your every move and learning from you. They constantly need something from me. I had some time to reflect on what I need.

When we arrived there on Thursday, of course my oldest was not too pumped to see us. He gave us the hug and hello, but back to playing with his cousins faster than we could bat an eye. Our little guy Logy was really happy, surprised and appeared to me to have grown a ton since just the 3 days before when I had seen him. The rest of the weekend was really fun, we got to spend time with a lot of good friends and some of their families. I would find myself in the bathroom at times looking in the mirror saying to myself….. how am I just hanging out right now having a good time, and it was nine months ago I took Rowyn’s life. I can’t continuously dwell on it, or I will literally have no life at all. But it does make me feel guilty that I could possibly be having a good time. We can’t discuss it all the time, and even though many times it comes up in conversation with those who care about me, read our blogs, support our charity; it is just not possible to have it the topic of conversation all of the time. At the end of the weekend I decided to post photos from our weekend on my facebook page. This is something I always struggle with. I never ever want to seem insensitive. I don’t want it to ever seem like I am rubbing my healthy alive babies in anyones faces. I never want anyone to be hurt, disappointed or upset by my actions. In some ways I can say that I do not care what people think of me, but in other ways of course I don’t want to hurt anyone or make them think that I am callous. Guilt. I wear it like a backpack in every part of my life. Sometimes, even more like a straitjacket. It is always there, but I just can’t let it suck all of my happiness away.

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