I had made a plan this past weekend to go and visit Rowyn on Saturday morning. It seems like every day for the past three weeks, I have wanted to go visit her. It just would never work out. It is not a place I like to go to with people, it is my own personal time with her. To be honest, it is time with me, in which I allow my thoughts of the whole situation to surface. I try to hold it together so much of the time, that the situation is always on my mind, but there is a thin veil over so much of it. There just has to be, it is a mechanism of survival mode.
From the short gravel drive up to her, it was easy to see that she and her close neighbors have the greenest fullest lawn there. Not a single weed near any of them thanks to Uncle Colt. With bright colored spinning pinwheels encircling her, colorful loud wind chimes singing in the tree above and her beautiful stone with her beautiful face on the front, it’s almost as if it’s the most beautiful peaceful place, despite why I am really there. I fought back tears as I initially got out of the car. I tend to fight them off better than I could just months ago. I walked over, sat down and just listened, then talked. I did my thing for about twenty minutes and then I decided to head home. I left my flowers, said my goodbye and drove down the driveway. As I reached the end of the gravel, the tears began to fall. I was a mess. Clenching my teeth, trying to shout, but with tears it was quiet. I would give anything to change the circumstances. It is just not believable sometimes. How could this have happened to her, and how could it have been me? I will never understand it. As much of the Bible that I read, the talks I have with God, the knowingness that so much good has blossomed from this horrible awful ugly deal….. Still, How?
When I got home I kept my sunglasses on, I rushed past my children, snapped at my husband and broke down in the bathroom. WHY WHY WHY. Why has this happened, it is just not possible. 9 months later even, it feels impossible. I did not want to be a mess, I did not expect to be a mess, but I was.
Rowyn has changed my whole entire life in some form or another. Of course, Cassie, that sounds like a dumb statement. But, really she has. She has made me a better person in a million different ways. She has brought me to the Lord, enlarged my heart, and made me realize what it is that is genuinely important in life. I count my blessings now instead of what I need or what I do not have. I show compassion towards situations and people that I may have not had or shown before. I am 100% living a better life today than I was 9 months ago. That is not a fun statement to make. How callous of me. I do not like it that I feel that way. However, that is Rowyn. What is more is that I am not the only one who feels that way. Rowyn has changed so many people’s lives in one form or another. She is a leader in Heaven, and on Earth. She is openly handing out gifts, her legacy ongoing, and her memory engraved in everything that we do. She is so alive.
When I lift the veil and see all of the ugly icky shameful stuff I keep behind it, I am broken. Nevertheless, when I rise out of that darkness, all I can see is her eternal beauty.