“Even though I hate to admit it, sometimes I smoke cigarettes” ~Miranda Lambert
Vice noun –
an fault, defect or shortcoming. A bad habit.
Synonyms: Flaw, blemish, imperfection and/or weakness
There are different definitions behind the word vice, but the one above seems to be the one that fits best in where I am going with this. As a human being, young woman, wife and mother I have always had my vices. Some people may consider eating excessive amounts or certain foods to be their vices. For instance, chocolate can be a vice for some, chips for others. My biggest vice has followed me since back in my young days. I tend to see my vice come out more vividly when I am going through something, there is stuff on my mind, or I am more nervous and tense than usual. My vice unveiled….. cigarettes. I have always been an on and off again social closet smoker. I spent many nights in college outside puffing a cigarette in between studying for exams. As I got older I would go to work all day long, then step outside when I returned home from work for a couple of cigarettes in the evening. I actually had quit smoking though, fully for two full years before I became pregnant with my son Easton. It felt good, I felt good about it. Little by little, these cigarettes crept back up into my lifestyle. MyVice.
Prior to the accident, it would be a few on a weekend. Now, it has become more and more little by little. I still will refuse to smoke a cigarette at work, I’ll wait all day until I am home to have one. My family and closest friends would laugh if I told them my smoking was a secret. For many people though, this will maybe come as a shock to them. It is not something I’m proud of, and it is a bad habit.
This past weekend I was able to spend some time with my girlfriends from ‘back home’. The friends I have known since pre-K. When we are with one another, we catch UP but we always lift each other UP with encouraging words and complements. It is a constant, “cute shoes” “your hair looks so good” “I love your bag” “I’m so proud of you.” Then behind one another’s back “She seems like she is doing so good” “I’m so happy for her” “Is she doing okay from what you can tell?”
We are women who have watched one another age from tiny people to adults and through all of those years, we constantly learn from one another. We have all had our shit. None of us, or anyone for that matter, can ever fully understand how a person’s heart and mind feel. However, we listen, we cry and we offer what we can.
When I was on this trip this weekend, trust me, my vice was in full effect. However, I felt like I had an awakening to myself. I saw myself on the outside puffing down these cigarettes and continuing to see myself getting heavier and unhealthy. My problems, this accident, those triggers, and my depression are not going to improve from my vices.
So now the work begins. I’m working on my vices. It’s time to start working on my physical being and not just my mental self. It has taken me 8 months to care about my physical being. Thanks to God, therapy, my husband, family and friendship, I finally feel my mental health improving. I see now how much I do NOT want to live a life with shortcomings, weaknesses and flaws that I do have control of. I cannot control a lot of things, but I can always strive to be better than the person I was yesterday.