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My dreams and hopes of this big giant house and climbing the ladder in my career have all changed. I’m not looking for the same things out of life that I used to. I’m more content with what I do have, and less worried about getting more. I am happy to have a job in general and family that checks on me all the time. Friends to spend time with me and help keep my mind going forward and not slipping backwards. I am thankful to have two healthy children, even on days when I may feel like I could pull a hair or two out. I’m lucky to see them grow everyday and hear the funny things that come out of their mouths. Even when it is just laughter. I’m blessed to have a group of women in church who have only known me 8 months, but know me enough to throw me a surprise bible study birthday dinner. I’m fortunate to be able to dig in the dirt and work in the garden with this accepting church family. I feel honored to be able to communicate with another family in a similar situation and show them “look at us, it’s been 8 months but we are making it and you will too.” It feels good to direct people to God and share the direction he has guided me in. To speak with funeral homes and make contributions to grieving families on behalf of Raise for Rowyn. I am lucky to have a therapist who listens to me grapple with the same issues over and over again, but doesn’t candy coat my feelings either.
Life on earth will never look the same through my eyes as it once did. It is almost like an awakening. I have woken up for the first time in my life and I now see everything a little differently. A little more simply. I make less money, I work less hours, but I get everyday after 2:30 with my kids and I also get to let them sleep in until sometimes 7:30 if they need it. Our old routine was out of the house by 6:45AM and home about 4:45PM. With dinner, bathtime and bedtime in that mix our daily time together was limited.
As I am sitting in the laundry mat on a day where it kind of feels like everything around me is going wrong: Washing machine… broken, laptop….not starting, lawn mower…. getting worked on….Truck….needs fixed….and our toddler has once again lost our tv remote….. It would be really easy to throw the towel in and dwell on all of this negative. But I won’t today. I’m choosing to see it differently now. I see that something, not sure what, but some sort of blessing will arise from these trials. Maybe this blessing is something as simple as being able to slow down this morning on the way to daycare to let my children look at a bunny eating grass, or teaching my son some of the lyrics to Prince’s song Kiss. Maybe it’s finding out that a little blonde baby girl is growing in that tummy of Brynn’s. Whatever may get in the way of any of my days ahead I know that “nothing will really be that big of a deal in the end.”