Today I turned 32, and yesterday I was celebrated for being a mom. Two days which usually are fun, uplifting and make me feel special. This in turn crept up on me, and it was by far the hardest birthday I have ever had. I think I understand why, I mean yesterday in itself was a bittersweet day. Here I am getting love and cards from my husband and two children, and all I can think about is Brynn. How this day is probably hurting her. I tried not to let it get to me, church was uplifting as always, but I saw the pain in her eyes. She is so great at hiding it, but without words I knew immediately. We ended up spending the day on the lake catching fish left and right with our great friends, kids and my brother in law. As soon as we were on the drive home I saw the blinking lights of an ambulance ahead. Those moments cause my heart to stop, race and then hurt. It always brings me back to the sight and sounds of our accident. My husband asked me if I had a good Mothers day, which I had of course. I said “yah, but I am just feeling really sad.”
The feeling hasn’t left and all I can do is pray that it does tomorrow. Turning another year older has been a terrible feeling. Not because of the fact I’m getting older, but it reminds me of two major truths.
1: It has been that long since September 16th
2: I’ve turned another year older, and Rowyn will not get the opportunity to have a birthday on earth ever again..
There is a big difference I think between guilt and blame. I no longer put the blame on myself for the accident. I mean, it is easy to say I do, but I never would have wanted to hurt Rowyn so blaming will do me no good in an unintentional tragic accident. But the guilt… it is always there. Even had I been someone who was standing off on the grass and watched the entire thing happen, I would struggle with guilt. It’s the fact that it happened, I couldn’t stop it, I can’t change it and I was still at the wheel that day.
Cards have come in the mail for my birthday, text messages all day long, phone calls that mostly went unanswered. I couldn’t face acknowledging it, I didn’t want the attention because to me it hurts. It’s the hide your head under the covers and wait for it to pass day. I appreciated all of the love people have given me, but seeing it in a positive way was just not possible today. Oddly enough, I never looked ahead at this holiday or my birthday and realized it would effect me this much.
The day is coming to an end, and I am so glad to have gotten another 2 major days marked off our list for the “year of firsts”. Praying the dark cloud that’s orbiting over my head is gone tomorrow, as 31 may have been the worst year of my life, but I’m determined to do something good with 32.