May 4, 2015

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10


Pain…. Whether it is a physical outside injury or deep inside your heart and soul, it will look differently on everyone.  This past 4 days I have seen pain in different people and in different ways.  I saw my son take some crashes on his bicycle after we took his training wheels off, and the minor scuff on his knee was so painful to him.  I had a friend come by whose dealing with pain inside her mind that she cannot find the ways to escape.  I saw a relative of ours struggling with marital, court, housing and single parenting pain.  I’ve seen parents and grandparents of a family who are in their darkest days after their accident searching for signs, answers, hope and they hurt to the core with their pain.  It is painful to see people in pain.  Especially, when you are hurting with your own. 


I saw  my beautiful inspiring soul sister Brynn, composing herself in a way to speak to others about their pain.  Her devotion to be their advocate.  To tell them what they will need, what they can expect and how quickly they can expect it.  She is using her pain.  Seeing people in similar struggles in itself is painful.  We fight to get to through pain on days, and hold it together in the most challenged times. 


Today I attempted to hold my pain together.  I woke up knowing I can do it, and I will do it.  I have so much opportunity ahead of me now that would have not been on my plate prior to September 16th.  A chance to change lives, including my own.  Life is altering before my eyes in every way.  I knew I would be late to work because I had to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy when they opened at 9AM. After, knowing I was already running late, I chose to take the plant I’d bought and been looking at for a full week to Rowyn this morning.  As I drove up to the cemetery, I saw a truck parked near her.  I knew it was her uncle.  He has surrounded her stone with bright small spinning pinwheels.  He was watering the grass he had just mowed around her, and the grass seed he had just planted to fill in the spots that were bare near her.  He put a wind chime in the tree above her, and plans to fill the tree with chiming beauty.  It was as if he worked at the cemetery.  He wants her space to be absolutely beautiful just as she is.  This is his pain.  I didn’t want to stay long and interrupt his time, but I wanted to leave my plant.  A somber moment, here he is making sure everything is perfect for her, and I’m the one who drove the car that took her away.  I left a kiss from my lips-to my hand-to her stone, and then I left.  Leaving there, I melted in my own pain.  After witnessing so many other peoples in the last 4 days, perhaps this was the most beautiful display of pain I had seen yet.  


Maybe I had been exposed to so much of everyone else’s pain that mine snuck up behind me. The reason I can even understand a pain so deep is because of September 16th. Yet we carry on, and try to live life in a society where the radio is gossiping about this actor or that musician. Things I would have cared to listen to 8 months ago, but now I prefer to talk to God while I drive or worship him with the music I listen to.   Pain is worn differently by everyone, it’s how we choose to wear or use it that will carry us on.  


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