Sometimes Blessing Hurt

April 21, 2015

The Raise for Rowyn events went off almost perfectly.  We had friends, family and strangers at our sides to help make the whole day more successful than we could have imagined.  Long hours, lots of muscle and a whole lot of heart poured into those two events.  I’m incredibly blessed, it’s Tuesday….. I’m wiped out.  I have slept a lot it seems since last weekend, but it never feels like enough.  The exhaustion of a long weekend is one thing, the long preparation week before, and then you add the emotional aspect in…. no wonder I feel so wiped out.


We ended our weekend by visiting Rowyn’s grave for her Birthday on Sunday.  My two kids fell asleep in the car on the way, which was helpful because they always want to get out of the car and touch everyones stuff, including the items on other peoples stones.  I feel like I spend more time keeping them in line there then actually taking in Ro.  My husband was with me, it was his first time being back since the burial.  It was tough for us both.  He gave me my time as I organized some flowers, spoke to her, cried, and watched her birthday balloons sway in the breeze.  It is moments like that when everything we had just done for the weekend raising all that money for other families and feeling on top of the world makes me just crumble. It’s the whole reminder of why I am even sitting there beside her.  I know she is proud though.  I know the picture of her smiling face and gazing eyes on her stone are looking into me my soul deep saying “I’m okay.” How could she not be, she is with our Heavenly Father in the most beautiful place on earth.  It’s a gift of eternal life to go there, but she is still not here. Despite what anyone may tell you about forgiving yourself, it’s not your fault, etc. etc. etc., it was still me driving the car that took her away.


Many of you may not know but on Saturday a little before 8:30AM another little Angel was taken from this earth.  She was in Marysville, involved in an extremely similar accident to ours but her father was the driver.  It was crushing to hear the news just as we were winding down before our dinner event started.  Later we learned how many similarities there were to Ro.  She was two, her family is in Marysville, much of Brynns family is there.  Her father just returned from the oil fields in North Dakota, Ro’s uncle Mikey works there.  Her accident was on the date of our biggest event, and the timing was almost identical to Rowyn’s, which was 8:18.  Cody has a cousin who knew the family, I have a cousin who knew the family.  We knew we must help them, it was a sign. Yesterday I reached out to them via text message and her mother asked me to contact her dad (Alexa’s Grandpa), which I did. As I spoke to him through his tears and struggles I felt that strong as an ox feeling I had with my grandma.  I gave him all I had to give, which was someone who had been through something extremely similar and had the ability to help now. 


The event carried ups and downs.  Some tears into Sunday afternoon with my best friend, my husband at my side.  But somehow, when I got off the phone yesterday I realized something.  I would have given anything for someone to call me a couple days after our accident to tell me that they REALLY knew the situation I was in. That they saw some of the similar horrific things I had seen, and proved to me that there they were 7 months down the road, living and making the darkest days easier for others.  It was a blessing to be a blessing. Thank you Rowyn Leea Johnson for giving me a purpose in life. You have blessed me.   



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