I Am Ready-A Blog by Cassie
March 31, 2015
On Sunday after church my family spent the evening over at Brynn and Cody’s house with most of the Raise for Rowyn team members. We had a Raise for Rowyn meeting, a bbq, followed by the planting of the weeping cherry blossom tree. It is hard to believe that the day of the planting was finally here. I remember getting the tree at The Barn nursery in Tenino just two days after the accident. Trying to find the only gift I thought may possibly mean anything to them, but nonetheless, something that showed how incredibly sorry I was. Filling out a card for such an incident is unspeakable, but we got through it with nonstop tears. I had written in the card that someday we hope to plant the tree with them in Rowyn’s honor, and that we hope it blooms every spring just before her birthday, staying somewhat small and beautiful just like her. I had no idea what the timeline of the planting looked like to them, but I was not ready.
I always get nervous whenever I make the trek over to their house. It has nothing to do with seeing them, but being back in the spot where everything happened is always a dreadful thing. Once inside their amazing home everything is a lot more comforting, it’s that outside scene that sticks with me like glue. I will talk to God the entire way there asking him for strength to get through the driveway. I do not pull around the loop as I had done that day, I will park at the end of it. I always look right at the spots where everything that I vividly remember happening that day took place. Such as where I was, where Ro was, where we were doing CPR, where Brynn and I prayed, where the ambulance was parked, where my car was left, where the firemen had our sons. And just as it never fails when I pull in, as I pull out I always see where I saw Cody off on his own, drop down to his knees, as my husband drove me away that day. It took me awhile to face this scene, it was not easy. I remember thinking to myself, if Brynn can see this everyday then I can get my ass over there and face it too. Her strength gave me strength to want to face that with her.
This past week for the first time in months I have felt good. I was driving home from work on Tuesday and the thought came to my mind….”I’m going to be okay.” It just clicked for me in that moment for the first time. I never thought the words once before this. People may or may not have said them to me, but it was an overwhelming feeling of relief. I knew I’d be okay. I was so wrapped up in this thought that I even missed the turnoff to pick up my children at daycare without realizing it. I have recently been started on a different anti-depressant, so I knew this could have something to do with the revelation. My relationship with God is growing so I thought this could have something to do with it also. But as I tried to analyze it over and over again all week it just hit me….WHY? Why am I trying to figure this out, I should just go with it, feel it, and trust it. My therapist just got me reading a book about mindfullness and living in the present. This is exactly what it is talking about, not to question, not to try to figure it out or let your thoughts drift even further off the path, but to just let it be.
This past week Brynn asked us to come bbq and plant the tree. Of all of the times I had thought of doing this, it was honestly with dread. This time when she said it, I knew I was ready too.