There is no map I follow, no timeline I can compare myself to, and no way of knowing if I am doing good, bad or still the same. This past weekend I had a really good time with my oldest friends. Everyone has been through something in this group, and we just connect differently than most people do. I see these strong women who have been through different things, and see them making it. It gives me a lot of hope.
I have been doing a lot of thinking, probably over thinking, but I have realized one thing in the last couple of weeks. A lot of people will tell you that “it will take time” “time heals all wounds” “give yourself more time, it hasn’t been that long”……….Time will never change this for me. I can look back on many things in my life that were such a big deal to me at the time, but not anymore. They passed, those feelings passed, the situation means nothing to me now. This is not anything remotely like that. My toddler, Logan, is approaching the age that Rowyn was at the time of the accident. It has been really difficult watching this approach, which makes me sound like a terrible mother. He is talking more, keeps himself busy, plays more with my older son, and has just really began to turn into a little person. He is funny, smart and can throw a tantrum like no other. As if I looked at him before and didn’t think of Rowyn, but as he approaches this age I think of her even more. I know that as this age comes and goes it will only remind me more of each milestone that she is not reaching. Each thing that I will watch Logan do as a growing person, I will be reminded that Rowyn did not get to that point. As years pass, things and people and circumstances will change. I’ll always look back at this as the most life altering, devastating tragedy, and more than likely I’ll still shed these same tears. It will not go away, the role I played will never be downplayed, and the feelings won’t pass nor will the situation mean any less to me as it does now. So how will I do it? How will I make it another 6 months, a year, 5 years and still feel and look at the situation as I do now. It’s like strapping giant heavy bricks to both of my legs and carrying them around with me for the rest of my life. Except it’s not bricks, it’s feelings. It’s pain, guilt, and grief. Its scary to imagine feeling like this forever.
The reminder for myself is that I do not have to wonder this. I don’t have to worry about ten minutes from now, tomorrow, next month or a year from now. God already has my life planned for me. He knows what is to come, and he will guide me if I trust him. This is my new journey. I am on a path of lesson and trials. I am learning everyday more and more what it means to have faith. Sometimes trying to keep my head up, finding joy, or even wanting to feel it seems extremely difficult. But this is my map, keeping my eyes, mind, and heart on God. My struggle and how I handle it, is changing me. It’s not changing the situation, or downplaying my role, but it is giving me a much larger purpose in life. My purpose I will learn someday down the road, but it will always lead me back to Rowyn.