Today I was traveling back from a weekend family getaway in Lincoln City, Oregon. After my grandma passed away, my parents booked a beach house for us, them, and my brother’s family to come together at. It was an amazing trip, but as everyone always usually says, it was far too short. I am very fortunate that there is only 4 hours between them and us as they are my most favorite people, but there is never enough time in my eyes that we get together.
As we traveled back home this afternoon I found myself dwelling on thoughts of the accident day. The details that come back to me at random times are wild, but I am not sure if I would be happier or disappointed if I didn’t remember them. It’s like taking a life changing event good or bad, and deciding if you want to erase the memory of it. Same old struggle of…. I just wish I could take back the whole day. Prior to this accident I would find myself thinking of memories from my childhood, high school and college with the thought, “yah it was a good time, but you couldn’t pay me to go back to that age.” I have this amazing family, great job, and life was going well for us. Now I sometimes fantasize about going back to those younger years. If I went back, this accident wouldn’t have happened yet, and maybe it never would. I could live differently, be better, serve God, anything that could change my circumstances. Sometimes I can convince my brain for about a minute that it’s not that big of a deal, that I need to get over it and stop being whiney. I tell myself, “You are just victimizing yourself, knock it off now.” It is a battle I have constantly with myself. I don’t want to be considered a victim, and I never want anyone to think that I am wanting attention. At the same time, it’s healing for me to talk about it, and the uniqueness of our story urges me to share it. The more I share it, the more people will be more aware of how quickly this could happen. The more our message and Raise for Rowyn gets out there, and the more families we can help. My therapist says that she has had plenty of victimizing patients in the past, and that if I was one of them I wouldn’t still be her client. It’s hard to know how to feel and what to expect of yourself. I am going to be honest, I haven’t made it to work much in the last two weeks and it is embarrassing. This is my newest mind game. I expect more of myself, I have better work ethic than this….. Why can’t I? What is my problem? Get over it Cassie!! Additional things get added to the mix such as a friend going through their own struggle, hearing a sad news story, or seeing a homeless man on the side of the street. Everything that I once felt, I just feel it completely different now. These all affect my mood, my behavior, and ultimately my abilities to be a productive person. All in addition to the usual triggers of a specific car, the color of a car, a siren, a person, even down to the clothing we were all wearing that day.
Tonight, as I lay in my bed I am sad and disappointed. After such a great weekend, how could I come home with these feelings? Why am I exhausted and pouting? It is because the trip wasn’t long enough, I wanted more. I need more time away, more time with these people who love me so unconditionally, and know me so well. How selfish do I sound? I am exhausted because I felt so good, let myself get so high with feel good feelings, and it couldn’t last forever. I want to enjoy life more, take longer vacations, spend time with good people….. I want to LIVE.