February 27, 2015

It was Friday night, 4 days before the accident, and I was sitting in the Sandstone Salon getting my hair done by my friend and hairdresser Brynn.  We were talking about our families a lot that day.  Our boys in the same preschool class and our babies being 8 months apart.  Our husbands both work construction and they are both big outdoorsman.  As anyone could imagine, we always have plenty to chat about during these appointments.  Specifically though, I remember us talking about how short life is.  You see, my husband had witnessed a young man at work fall 50 feet to his death in early September.  He was the first person to get to him, and he certainly struggled with this encounter.  So we were talking about life being short and how this man had a young family like ours.  I told Brynn that I was considering just surprising my family with a getaway.  She shared with me that ironically she had just booked their first family vacation to Mexico in upcoming December.  She told me how she had surprised them with a big family present with swim trunks for the boys and a little suit for Ro.  It got me so excited, this was what I wanted to do.  I wanted to follow Brynn’s lead, and do it just as she had.

I had gotten my hair done one time in November while I was back in the Tri Cities with my Grandma.  I couldn't wait any longer, and although I didn't think much of it making the appointment, it turned out to be a bit emotional for me.  I was sitting there looking at myself in the mirror in front me and it was a bit like déjà vu.  I shed a couple of tears, but the hairdresser was very kind and pretended not to notice.  

This last Tuesday after work I had my first hair appointment with Brynn since that day back in September.  We see one another a lot more now than we even did before so being nervous sounded silly.  I was though, I was nervous how we would do? What it would feel like? Who else would be in the salon that day? Would it be hard for her? Many things went through my mind for a good couple of days before the appointment.  But I walked in and I was greeted as if it was normal.  I just took Brynn’s lead with it and she made me feel at ease.  We started talking about Raise for Rowyn, and then as that conversation died down somehow we went into the accident day again.  It is such a somber difficult thing to relive, and for some reason when we're together we can't help but discuss it.  Even if it is just for a minute.  We caught ourselves rather quickly, and stopped that conversation.  It brings us both down in a hurry.  As the appointment went on we talked about random everyday things as if none of this had happened.  I found myself sitting at the shampoo bowl looking at the ceiling thinking..... "Brynn is pulling foils and scrubbing my hair, and I drove the car that killed her baby girl just 5 months ago.  How did we get here, how did this happen to us."  It almost feels like you just pretend it didn't happen.  But you are not of course; it's just that there really is nothing else you can do at this point.  My therapist calls it the "meantime".  It is just the piece of time in life that we will be getting through.   Someday we will look back and be unsure how we have made it so far, but until then..... you fake it til you make it. 

Brynn has been an image of strength for me through this whole tragic situation.  Here is a woman who tells me she is glad it was me because she won't ever have hate in her heart for me.  She tells me she loves me more now than she ever did before.  Even harder to believe, she told me these things within days after the accident and in fact, even came to my house to personally tell me.  It's this kind of person that will keep me striving to be a better one.  

It's been 5 months exactly today since the accident.  It's unreal to think it has been that long. It is still the meantime.  So in the meantime I watch Brynn, and I take her lead.  She is full of mercy and grace.  Just like I hope to be.  She holds herself together, and she makes it look manageable.  If she can do it, I can do it.  We are doing it together with a little blonde angel baby orchestrating the whole thing.

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