Why Me?

February 2, 2015

I will walk by faith even when I can not see ~2 Corinthians 5:7.

I may never know why I was chosen to be the driver in this accident, or how it became my life but I strongly believe God placed me in this situation for reasons I do not know.

 

Mid June of 2014, my grandma (who is a large part of my life) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I knew it was not good regardless of the hope that the doctors at Virginia Mason were giving us.  My grandma began her rapid decline around Labor Day 2014, just days before this accident

.

I attempted to return to work in October, but I failed miserably on my second day.  In the worst state of my grief and depression, I decided to go back to the Tri-Cities where my whole family is to spend some time with them and Grandma.  That week trip with my two kids quickly turned into a full month.  I was so lucky to spend so much quality time with my grandma I know God put me there with her.  Here I was in the middle of my darkest days, and I get to be with my grandma who is in the midst of her darkest days also.  She knew she was dying.  We talked about how a normal Tuesday would have gone for her before her diagnosis and before the chemo started.  We talked about how a normal Tuesday would have been for me.  I helped her take her last steps, got to be part of all of her personal care, was able to give her medication, communicate with Hospice regarding her time, and I learned things about her that I never knew.  I got to focus on my Grandma, which was therapeutic for me.  I asked her to please find Rowyn in Heaven and tell her I am sorry.  I told her I wanted her to leave me signs often so I would know she is with me.  I read her scripture, I prayed with her, and ultimately watched her decline a little more each day.  In some moments when everyone else in the family was so overwhelmed with grief, I felt strong as an ox for her and them.  Was this my place?  I had been on maternity leave earlier in the year so I was struggling to build the smallest amount of vacation up so that I could spend time with her at the end of her life.  Here I was with the gift of time secondary to my horrific tragedy.  I received this incredible blessing when I needed it most.  Did Grandma also need it?

 

My grandma held on with everything she had, and that is no exaggeration.  She surpassed days and weeks from what any of us thought she would.  I decided finally on December 1st that I needed to head home with my husband who had come to visit that weekend.  I needed to get back to my shambled life, my kids were ready to get home, Easton back in school and Logan was a day away from his first birthday.  The last three months drifted by without me noticing. We got in the truck with a month worth of stuff, and pulled away from my brother and sister-in-law’s.  I called my mom within minutes of being on the road, and she said my Grandma had just passed.  It was almost as if she was waiting for me to leave.  Was she protecting me in some way because she did not think I could handle it? 

During a 2 ½-month span, I had watched two people journey to Heaven.  One was far too young, taken quickly, and traumatic.  The other was an older person, battling a horrible painful disease, slowly deteriorating in front of my eyes.  Neither exit was easy no matter how you face it.  However, I feel both of them around me, I see things that help me move on and I know that they are exactly where they are supposed to be.  They are home. 

 

The question of WHY ME still lingers as I pinch myself quite often reminding myself this is indeed my life. 

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