Tuesday Again- A Blog by Cassie
January 20, 2015
Here I am, getting up out of my bed from a terrible night of sleep. It is quickly apparent to me that it is another Tuesday. Tuesday reflects the absolute worst day of my entire life. Tuesday, September 16th I was preparing to get my son to school and get myself to work. I can remember that morning very well.
I had put this thin scarf on my neck that day that I had only worn one other time. It was for a difficult funeral I had attended 2 years prior. I remember thinking to myself “why am I even wearing this, I don’t even really like it?” Little did I know that I would bury my face in it for hours that morning. I remember how proud I was that day that I was going to be on time. I was going to pick up Wyatt and we were going to get them to school on time. Not that we were late often, but when you have a smooth morning with children and you get out of your house on time, that’s enough to make you grin all the way to work. On the way there Easton was singing along to Lee Brice’s “I don’t dance” except he did not know the words so he was singing, “I don’t care” in his best 4-year old voice. I was giggling and asking him how excited he was for his 3rd day of preschool. It is about a 5-minute drive to Brynn’s and I can remember it like it was yesterday.
Every Tuesday I continue to drive the same route on the highway just as I had that day. I continue to take my son to the same preschool that we never did make it to that morning of the 16th. I continue to see my beautiful friend Brynn there dropping off Wyatt. Things are starting to get easier with this routine, but when I see her white SUV pull in I would only be lying if I said it was not painful. This is because I cannot see her the way I used to. I used to see her often and not with one child, but with two. The little blonde miniature Brynn, with the cutest baby chin, is not in the car with them. Guilt strikes and the replay button in my brain then kicks off. I knew it was coming all along, but I am still never prepared for the gut wrenching feelings that come when a day like that replays in your head. I grit my teeth, close my eyes and bow my head all subconsciously. Hoping it will stop. Hoping the pictures in my head will disappear. Maybe someday they will, and then again, maybe they never will. Maybe 5 years from now when we are taking our kids to the same elementary school this will still happen on Tuesdays. Time will tell, but there is hope. Feel free to follow my blog entries on my journey to find peace and heal gracefully.